Another rough week. Motivation has been at an all time low. Usually when that happens I can call on my pal Discipline to back me up, and she usually gets me through. But that is pre-pandemic talk so…
Regardless, I’m mustering and I’m moving forward. I know she’s there – but she’s weak, dull, frail, and threatens to nope out at any time.
As a result I guess I’m suffering from what you might call “writers block”. It is Saturday morning – 4:56 a.m. to be precise – and I still have no idea what I want to talk about. Ordinarily, by Wednesday I have a pretty good idea of my topic and have written at least a third of it. So, in an attempt to spark an idea I am just going to ramble about my random thoughts for a bit and see if anything catches.
I went “back to work” this week. Wednesday was the official start date of our virtual learning journey for the kids. It makes me sad…
WTF is going on right now? Like really… What. Is. Going. On?…
We got confirmation yesterday: School is “closed” for the remainder of the year – we must finish out what’s left of the 2019-2020 school year virtually. How in the heck am I going to do this?…
Anxiety coping strategies – putting up walls – doing it all myself… Brené Brown talked about this on her latest Podcast episode and she calls it “Over/Under-Functioning”. Classic over functioner right here… except for this week – shit…
CrossFit – A love story…
Food – An ever bigger love story…
Almond butter and sweet potatoes…. A deadly love story…
….. … …… …… … .
Yeah, I got nothing – I am going to workout.
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Okay – I’m back – It’s Sunday morning – 8:34 a.m. to be precise – It’s go time!
And still nothing….. .. .. …. . ….. .
Buckets of nothing…
Going on a hike with Freyja.
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Third time’s the charm I guess. As stated above, I went for a hike with Freyja. We drove up to the buttermilk area where there’s this killer loop (and where there are FAR TOO MANY PEOPLE STILL CAMPING – WTF) – we call it “The Mine Loop” – and did a little modified version of it.
The wind was in a word HOWLING. We usually get lots of wind this time of year, and here on the East Side it can be relentless. But today, today it was nothing short of heinous. We already had a bit of a rough morning. Lots of whining, and moping, and even a crying spell on the bedroom floor – and Freyja was feeling it too ;).
The minute I stepped out of the car I knew it was going to suck – but we had already driven all the way up there and I really felt like hiking, so we were doing this damnit!
As we started off, hiking down the dirt road, the wind was coming head on in gusty bursts; biting at exposed flesh; making it both hot and freezing at the same time. We both only lasted two minutes before the complaining and frankly screaming set in. It probably would have been wise to say eff it, turn around, and hightail it back to the calm of our house, but for whatever reason – sheer stubbornness with a dash of idiocy perhaps – we (I) pushed onward.
After a while and lots of angry shouting the wind ended up at our back. But it wasn’t a pleasant tail wind, the one that propels you forward and makes everything feel easier. It was savage and angry, a bully trying to push us to the ground; ruthlessly knocking us around. Insert more angry shouting.
As we climbed the road that would take us around the small foothill the wind was at our side and blasting so ferociously that I would end up five feet to the left with every savage gust.
Then the tears came, from both of us. I angrily sat down the backpack, looked at my daughter and screamed, “THIS SUCKS! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO SUCK SO MUCH AND BE SO FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW?” She’s 2… yeah…
But here’s the thing, she understood. After shouting and crying and lots of deep breaths (all the while still being pummeled), I took a moment to collect myself, looked at her, and apologized. I said I was sorry for yelling, and for this stupid hike, and for how things are right now, and that she can’t see her friends, and that she’s stuck with me, and that she can’t even be with nana and grandpa, oma or opa, and that mamma said bad words, but that even when it sucks and it’s really hard we have to keep going no matter what. She gave me a kiss and we soldiered on.
The rest of the hike was pretty much the same – insane wind, complaining, grunting, yelling, and crying.
As we got towards the car I remembered, with horror, that I promised her she could get out and play in the creek for a bit. I asked her if she still wanted to, crossing my fingers that the wind would have knocked the psych out of her. Naw y’all – she’s a total badass and said she did in fact still want to play.
Honoring my promise, I took her out and we fought our way to the creek crossing. As we neared the wind seemed to let up a bit, when we arrived at the creek itself there was only the occasional burst whipping through the head-high foliage. I sat down on a patch of grass and Freyja proceeded to throw rocks into the gently flowing water. The sun came out. I was able to breathe a little deeper. It was warm, calm, and quiet – a pocket of peace in the mayhem and madness.
In that moment my mood shifted and I was able to gain perspective. Everything seemed a little better and a little brighter. I no longer regretted leaving the house and I was thankful for this beautiful bit of time I got to spend with my daughter.
You see right now, out there, there is a chaotic wind storm besieging all of humanity. It’s disorientating, and scary, and hard, and awful – and we don’t know when it will be over. And we do all of the reactionary things like complain, and scream, and curse, and cry – because we have to – and because it’s okay. But even in the midst of this supreme shit-storm there are still little pockets of peace to be found – moments of serenity to relish in – and we have to take those moments when they are offered to us. We must seek them out and bathe in their glory – because they are the antidote that we so desperately need – and frankly, they are the only ones we have.
When we stop and take in those moments it’s not that we ignore everything else. When we were by the creek the wind was still blowing, we could still hear its wrath, we could still feel its effects. But because of that moment we were better able to deal, to cope, to accept the reality of the chaos we were in and as a result, we are able to press onward.
We will break down, we will be angry, we will be anxious, we will be uncertain, we will feel like we can’t go on – But we will, because we have to. And when we find moments like these and relish in them – our own little pockets of peace – we are better able to weather the storm. And somehow, someway everything seems a little bit easier as a result.
Stay savage friends and Get. It. Done.
If you’re interested in any of this, in my journey, my story, check back weekly. Much more meandering musings and kuhlhuman thoughts to come.
Also! If you have questions about what I write or even suggestions for future blog posts, feel free to leave a comment below or email me at thekuhlhuman@gmail.com.
Wind is the most brutal element to function in! I remember the wind … especially brutal when skiing at Mammoth.
I went for a run in the pouring rain today… everyone thought I was crazy.. but having grown up in Seattle, running in the rain is the my favorite. Peaceful. Two weeks into the 75 hard challenge, thanks to your inspiration.