How are You?
I have been asked this question countless times by friends and loved ones since this whole Covid-19 shit hit the fan and I have to say that even on a “normal, pre-pandemic” day I don’t really know how to answer it – but with the way things are now…? There’s often a long pause followed by a ‘fine’ or an ‘oh ya know, hanging in there’. Although the reality is far more complex. In truth, I’m suffering from mental whiplash, wherein my moods and feelings are shifting and changing so radically that it’s hard for me to keep up.
Before I begin to break this down further, let’s take a dive into the “historical” and “social” contexts (at least according to me) of this question.
How are you? This is a go-to question in our society; the socially accepted, universally agreed upon way (in America) of greeting someone that you run into or meet up with on any given day. In fact, it’s so socially accepted and universally agreed upon that we don’t even think about asking it, and most of the time it’s an automatic inquiry that flies out of people’s mouths without much thought or consideration. It can take many forms beyond the simple “How are you?” Some examples being: How’s it going? How’s things? How you holdin’ up? What’s shakin’? What’s hangin’? It’s a loaded question, to be sure, and yet it is socially understood that 99.9% of the time you don’t get a loaded response in return. Socially acceptable, “unloaded” responses to this question are: Good! – Fine – Okay – Alright – Hanging in there! – Oh ya know… – Or my Dad’s personal favorite “Just living the dream! (with some sarcasm thrown in for effect).” And just like the question itself, our responses are mostly automatic; a greeting for a greeting – if you will. And that’s okay! 99/9% of the time we are not going to give a loaded response to a person who is simply trying to be polite (see the “Spilling My Guts” blog post from a few weeks back).
However, this automatic, casual response isn’t currently working for me. Because of my impulse to overshare, I’ve always had a hard time giving an “unloaded” response – but now…? It just seems watered down, trite, and borderline indecent. Because the truth is that many of us, myself included, are not “fine” – or “good” – or even sarcastically “living the dream”. Sure, there are moments when we feel that way, but in truth we have yet to discover how we are actually feeling about it all because this current clusterfuck is still happening and for many small towns like Bishop, it’s just beginning. There simply hasn’t been enough time to process the impact this is having on us individually and as a collective society.
**Insert record scratch sound – WAIT – HALT – HOLD UP**
Okay, I have to stop myself right here… As I sit at my dining room table attempting finish and edit this post – literally as I sit here right now on Sunday March 29 at 7:09 a.m. I am having a change of heart as to the direction I initially wanted this whole thing to go.
A little thing called perspective is knocking at my door right now. So hang on a second y’all, I’ll brb because I feel compelled to answer that call.
Okay – I’m back – Here we go:
Not going to lie – these past few weeks have been hard as shit, emotionally speaking – and acknowledging that is necessary and okay. But again, as I sit at my dining room table – looking out the window at my beloved Sierra Nevada mountains – drinking a warm cup of coffee – pellet stove humming in the background – a refrigerator and a pantry full of food a few feet away – my daughter starting to stir and wake up on the monitor – the knowledge that tomorrow I will go back, virtually, to a job that is secure and of which I will continue to be compensated for – even though there are moments when I don’t feel fine, good, alright, or sarcastically like I’m living the dream – I actually am all of these things – especially when looking at everything with a healthy dose of perspective – which is literally what just happened.
So while it’s true that I am suffering from grief, disappointment, anger, uncertainty, sorrow, and weariness – it’s also true that I have much to be grateful for – and that focusing on the latter is a choice, one that I have the power to make every moment of everyday.
Because it’s far too easy to get stuck right now – to fall back into old habits and allow the anguish and despair I am feeling to wash over me to the extent that I remain so saturated in it that I wallow. There have been countless moments over these past few weeks where I catch myself staring off into space, eyes glazed over, not even lost in thought – but lost in a fog; one that my mind is creating, perhaps out of an instinct, to protect itself from the many harsh truths that are now a day to day reality. But the issue, the problem, is that nothing productive happens in these moments. They are aimless and serve no purpose other than to distract me from living fully and with intention. And I can tell that if I’m not careful, I could easily wallow to the extent that they become the all-consuming reality that I manifest for myself. And that is most certainly a dangerous place to be.
Now please, please, please understand that I am not saying we should repress our feelings. This is not what I am advocating for here at all. Brené Brown has taught me well and I know from her wisdom, and from experience, that the more we ignore and attempt to quash what we are truly feeling, the more cumbersome and malignant those feelings become. I also know that there is more than enough empathy and kindness to go around, and that affording some to yourself does not take away the stores you carry for others – that practicing empathy on yourself makes you better equipped to practice it on others – that beating yourself up for feeling sad does not make anyone else’s plight, or plate for that matter, lighter.
So what’s been helping me – what’s been bringing me up for air when I feel like I’m drowning in negativity? Time. Time and purposeful actions. For one, time provides the perspective that we all need – which is both comforting and infuriating because it doesn’t solve anything right now and it requires a practice in patience. That’s where purposeful actions come in. Purposeful actions help to provide that road map when things start to get foggy and you begin to lose your way. Purposeful actions for me are:
- Keeping to a “regular” schedule as much as possible – Things like getting up at 4:00 a.m. and getting after it – Doing my daily reading of a nonfiction book – tracking my food
- Working out daily, even on the off days (but keeping it “mellow” on those days – as mellow as I can that is, as beast mode is my go-to mode)
- Getting outside as much as possible – Bishop people, we are so lucky to live in a place where space and fresh air are abundant
- Eating healthfully(ish) – I’m struggling with the balance on this one so much right now- being this close to my pantry 24/7 is killing me in this department right now – who else feels me!? – So much almond butter – so much…
- Creating daily power lists that give intention and clarity to the tasks I want to accomplish that day – on the days that this becomes difficult I know I am perhaps entering the fog and it’s time to practice some self-care
- Unplugging – Reading too much news and/or scrolling mindlessly are time-wasters and paths that lead to wallowing. Putting time-limits on both has been monumentally helpful
- Immersing myself in things that motivate, inspire, and push me to be better. You’ve already heard me talk about all of these but here they are again:
– Jocko Willink – thank you for the tough love, the regular kicks in the ass, the exposure to opinions different from my own – and for always providing the perspective I’m searching for – Get his book “Discipline Equals Freedom Field Manual” – You won’t regret it. And listen to his podcast – this one in particular is one I think back to often – just do it.
– Tim Ferriss – thank you for always being the voice of reason and for having the most intelligent and kindhearted guests on your show at seemingly the exact moment I need them. You latest episode #417 with Dr. Vivek Murthy was water on the fire that are my emotions right now.
– Brené Brown – thank you for holding my hand and my heart through it all. Not only is your new book “Daring to Lead” one revelation after another, but your new podcast “Unlocking Us” is the soothing balm to all the uncertainty that is plaguing not only myself but humanity right now.
I’d like to close this this:
To the nurses and doctors who are fighting a literal war right now. One that is underfunded and lacking the weapons so needed for victory. Who have to live a life of true isolation lest they become a danger to the people they love the most: I see you and I’m sending you as much healing energy as I can muster.
To the sick who are denied treatment because of a lack of supplies and resources. To those who will die as a result: I see you and I pray your souls find peace.
To the warrior women, laboring alone without their partners to help them: I see you and I hope that I can take on some of your pain so that yours may be lessened somehow.
To the countless humans who have been laid off from their jobs and have no idea how they are going to continue to put food on the table or pay the rent: I see you and I stay at home so that this pandemic comes to an end sooner rather than later.
To those who have no family to connect with – those who are truly alone: I see you and hope that through this collective grief you may feel less isolated.
To those who think this is not serious or even believe this is all a hoax: I see you, and I hope that your broaden your mind and your heart, and seek out the truth that science has to offer.
To myself – a woman, mother, wife, daughter, teacher, and friend – one who expects more from herself than she would ever dare to expect from anyone else. I see you and I love you – you are enough – you are a warrior – you are going to get through this…
We are going to get through this. Somehow we will.
How am I? I am all of this and more.
There’s no denying that this experience is going to change us all – in ways that have yet to be determined – but we do have some choice in the matter – so let’s choose to have it change us for the better. Let’s throw pity a party when it comes for sure. But when all is said and done let’s say that it pushed us to be kinder – more aware – more helpful – more driven – more connected. Let’s set ourselves up to be able to look back and realize that it pushed us all to be exceptional versions of ourselves – the ones we were always meant to be.
Stay savage friends and Get. It. Done.
If you’re interested in any of this, in my journey, my story, check back weekly. Much more meandering musings and kuhlhuman thoughts to come.
Also! If you have questions about what I write or even suggestions for future blog posts, feel free to leave a comment below or email me at thekuhlhuman@gmail.com.
Awesome read. Well done.