Starting this journey of personal growth and transformation has pushed me to examine all aspects of my existence. It has given breath and space to the practice of processing things that I’ve pushed down and thought I’ve moved beyond – It has forced me to take a solid look not only at how I am navigating life today, but also where I want my life to go. This is important because I think there’s this idea in society that when you become an adult – or at least an adult of a certain age – you’re “done”. Like one day you wake up and this is who you are – you’ve done it! You’ve passed all the tests that we as a society require young people to pass. You’ve punched your card and now you get to relax on the whole – Who am I going to turn out to be someday? – thing.
I don’t agree with this. My perspective is that becoming an adult gives you the ability to explore who truly you are and the freedom to actually make it happen. As I see it, there has never been a better, or more productive, time to take a good look at my life. For one, it’s so much more effective when you’re an adult because you actually know shit – hopefully – and you at least know more shit about yourself – again hopefully. You’ve lived some years and can look back and see mistakes you’ve made with some semblance of clarity. You can look back and see, that despite an extreme belief in the contrary at the time, you didn’t know it all. Remember when we thought we knew it all…? Do you remember walking through life with that unearned swagger (most of us) reeking with smugness and pretentiousness, dumping “wisdom” on ourselves and people as we went (gah! all of my twenties! <insert face-palm>). For another, being an adult gives you the capacity to create the kind of life you want. You realize at a certain point that the only person holding you back is yourself, and you can either do something about that, or not.
That’s a super roundabout way of introducing what I want to talk about today. In the process of taking a deep dive into my life and how I put myself out there, I have some thoughts on the subject of oversharing that I would like to share – though hopefully not overshare – with you all.
Surprise, surprise, I’ve always been an oversharer. I’m still an oversharer. I have no problem talking to someone, anyone, about what’s going on in my life at any given moment in time. And if you ask me how I am, you’ll probably get a fairly accurate response back – if not in the actual words coming out of my mouth, for sure in the tone – <heavy sigh> – so much of my adulthood and marriage has been focused on the subject of tone… but that’s neither here nor there, at least not for today.
I attribute much of this… quality… to a couple very positive things. I was fortunate to grow up feeling safe to express myself, and to the fact that I’ve been in therapy since forever. I’m introspective, to a fault yes, and yet I would take this tendency to overshare over the tendency to undershare any day. I consider it one of my greatest strengths and simultaneously one of my greatest weaknesses. Because on the flip side, my tendency to overshare stems from a couple of not so positive things. The things called OCD and anxiety.
I like to look at it this way: It’s a beautiful and wonderful thing to be able to process what goes on in your brain and the experiences you go through, and then share that wisdom with others – which is what I am attempting to do here in this space. It’s not okay however, to verbally vomit your “trash” all over someone in an attempt to make yourself feel better and then nope out of there leaving your unsuspecting victim to pick up the pieces for you.
Let’s explore this a little more, shall we?
There’s a monumental difference between sharing – being vulnerable – and oversharing and yet the line can be difficult to find.
But don’t worry! Brené Brown has our backs. Here is what she has to say about vulnerability and oversharing:
Brown asserts that vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It’s not oversharing, it’s not purging, it’s not indiscriminate disclosure, it’s not celebrity-style social media information dumps.*
What I’ve learned from her is that oversharing is exactly the opposite of being vulnerable. It is actually a “protection” mechanism, or armor if you will, used by us as a way to protect ourselves from being truly vulnerable. In my case, I would historically use oversharing as a way to seek things like validation, attention, and reassurance.
That last one is huge. If you read my blog post about OCD you already know that much of my life’s purpose has centered around the fierce hunt for reassurance. I have legit left no stone unturned on this quest, and this absolutely applies to seeking reassurance from others.
It would happen like this: Meet someone new – tell them every terrible thing about myself (insert hyperbole for effect) – all the shameful and dumbass things I’ve ever said and done – have them reassure me that I was fine, no I was not a terrible person – leave unfulfilled (because hello) – do the same thing ASAP to someone else in an attempt to fill the void.
It’s truly insane how many times I’ve done this – living with this fantastical belief that if I could just have one more person tell me that I’m okay – tell me that they don’t hate me – tell me that it’s all good – then I would be good. But NO! Just no… I was not good and was never going to be good if I kept holding on to that way of thinking and processing. I was not good because the insecurity that I was desperately trying to quell was never going to improve if I kept looking for it outside of myself. It was only ever going to get better coming from me – and for a long time I was not ready or willing to accept that reality. Owning that truth was hard, and still is at times, because it forces me to accept just how insecure I’ve been pretty much my whole life, and just how much and often I used others in the vain attempt to validate who I was. <insert another heavy sigh> That is such a shame shit-sandwich right there – ugh.
Insecurity is so pervasive in our society, that as people we are constantly at maximum saturation. Because of this, insecurity has nowhere to go so it spills out of us constantly, and others are left to clean up the mess. It’s an enormous problem, and again is one that only now I am beginning to truly tackle. And it have come from two things:
- Taking Extreme Ownership of every aspect of my life
and - Cultivating the mindset of Discipline Equals Freedom
These two viewpoints have given me the tools I’ve so desperately needed when it comes to building the confidence I’ve so sadly lacked – the confidence to own my shit and to stop relying on others to make me feel better about myself.
But wait! This isn’t about building a wall and staying closed up inside of ourselves. This is where the balance comes in. The truth is that we need others and we need to be vulnerable with others in order to live happy, fulfilling lives. Deep, meaningful connection with other human beings is integral to our health and well-being. Don’t believe me? Countless studies show that a lack of this can increase premature death by 50%!** But as Brown reminds us, it’s about connecting through mutuality – sharing with others when a relationship is cultivated and thus when the other person has earned the right to hear it. We need others to bear witness to our stories. It’s how we connect and it’s a huge part of what gives meaning to our lives. We are storytellers by design.
So, to those who have been subject to the spilling of my guts, thank you for taking on that burden and my sincerest apologies to you. As I move forward with confidence and a growing belief in myself, I also attempt to move through it all with grace and courage, recognizing the power that comes from within, connecting authentically with others, and sharing my experiences, though with a watchful eye to not overshare, along the way.
Stay savage friends and Get. It. Done.
If you’re interested in any of this, in my journey, my story, check back weekly. Much more meandering musings and kuhlhuman thoughts to come.
Also! If you have questions about what I write or even suggestions for future blog posts, feel free to leave a comment below or email me at thekuhlhuman@gmail.com.
*Everyone of Brené Brown’s books and most of her talks mention thoughts on oversharing. However, despite my best efforts, I couldn’t find a direct quote in a timely manner. I used this blog post as a reference: http://lucillezimmerman.com/2013/05/28/vulnerability-oversharing/ I’m learning to pause and note more often when I’m reading so this doesn’t happen again.
**Here is an article that talks about the importance of relationships: https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/strengthen-relationships-for-longer-healthier-life