The Worst, Best Trip of My Life

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Leo Tolstoy once said, “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

In college I went to Africa – Kenya, more specifically. It was something I had wanted to do for years, and to the bane of my parents I made it a reality my junior year in college. This was no drunken Spring Break soiree mind you, this was supposed to be the trip where I kick-started my life of service – where seeking my life’s purpose truly began. For a long time I had dreams of going into the Peace Corps – of helping those who had no way of helping themselves. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was going to sacrifice all glamour and monetary gains in life to selflessly give back to the people the world had turned its back on. How lucky were they?

*Insert image of superhero – hands on hips – chin raised – chest puffed out – cape snapping gloriously behind in an artificial wind*

If you note a hint of sarcasm and disdain here, you’d be correct. Fair warning, this post is going to get real self-deprecating for a while, but if you can hang in there with me I promise it turns a corner and there’s quite a bit of wisdom to be gained in the end. 

It all started with a movie… well mostly – but it always comes back to a movie in my mind. 

The Constant Gardener (2005), starring Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz, tells the tale of Tessa (Weisz) who goes to Africa with a man she just met (Fiennes) in an effort to impart social change. The movie is beautiful overall. Artistically shot and unexpected in the writing and plot sequencing. Tessa’s character resonated deeply with me. She selflessly leaves her comfortable life “behind” –  though not really as she lives on a guard protected compound in a plush house – to help be a voice for those that do not have one of their own. She is a strong female character who battles domineering males at every turn and she won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress for the role. I can’t tell you what it was exactly about the movie that lured me in so, but I was inspired by Tessa and wanted to be her. 

I felt, in my heart, that if I could just get to Africa I too could have a similar experience, or at least kick-start a life that would be similar – a life of giving back  – and not just giving back anywhere – but a life of giving back in one of the most wild and badass places on earth: Africa. When I think about Africa today I still get shivers down my spine. It’s such a huge continent, diverse, and mysterious. There’s a thousand lifetimes of things to explore, and I think I was, and still am, drawn to the majesty and, to be honest the “danger” of it. 

Getting there and in what capacity was the tough part though. I knew I didn’t want to just go as a “tourist”, but – and this is a really big but – I had very few, if any, marketable skills that would make me an asset in any sort of service capacity. Instead of letting that deter my plans, change my thinking, or question my motives I went full steam ahead and eventually settled on going the volunteer-tourism route. There are a plethora of companies that will help bring this dream to life for you – for the right price. Basically I paid a company to transport, house, and set me up in a volunteer capacity for the duration of my stay. 

I ended up settling on one that I, for the life of me, can’t remember the name of, and frankly it doesn’t matter in the end. What does matter is that I went and that overall, and from this perspective, it was a total calamity.

Here are some of the highlights:

1. Lost my mini video camera on the way over – you know, the one where I was going to record all the good work I was doing and later post about on social media
2. Was pick-pocketed in a market while simultaneously believing I was having an authentic conversation with a man about the goods he was selling
3. Realized that the company I paid to give me the genuine volunteer experience I was looking for was mostly after my money
4. Spent about 2.5 seconds in a room packed with elementary school children before getting out of there post-haste
5. Stayed in bed for days during one of the most intense bouts of anxiety and panic I had ever experienced
6. Was yelled at for taking pictures of people in Kibera (Nairobi’s largest slum) – more than once – ya
7. Bailed out on doing some actual, tangible good work part way through helping a sick woman refurnish and refresh her home that was infested with cockroaches 
8. Lost my wallet on the beach in Mombasa 
9. Cut the trip short 
10. Missed my connecting flight on the way back and had what can only be described as a total and complete meltdown in the middle of Heathrow airport. 

Damn.

I’ve got to be honest. Thinking back to this extent and dredging up things I’ve tried to move past is uncomfortable to say the least. The self-loathing that accompanies these memories is so intense, it sends me down a shame spiral that’s difficult to snap myself out of. It takes me to a dark place. However, with everything going on in my life right now, the only word that comes to mind is ‘good’. 

Good! Yes! I should feel this way. The only way to accept what happened, learn from the errors, and truly move on is to lean all the way in and take extreme ownership – and while I’ve had years to process what occurred and my role in it, there has always been latent, unresolved feelings that are just under the surface; dormant at times and flaring up with a vengeance at others. 

So in order to truly move forward, I think it’s important to look back. 

* I have been an empath my whole life. Undoubtedly, this is a trait that most of us possess to a certain degree, but for me it’s always been acutely pronounced. My mirror neurons are constantly firing and I take on, and am greatly impacted by, the moods of those around me. I cry easily and have been labeled as sensitive (more on that to come) my whole life. I feel the burden of others suffering and gladly bear the burden of the world’s problems in my heart – I feel to an extent that weighs heavily on my being and am always wishing that I could do more. 

I have always known that I wanted to live a life of service to others and that passion was ignited in high school when I participated in a youth group mission that went down to Mexico and built homes for families. I got to go twice and it was during those trips that I felt the most connected to myself, the most driven, the most inspired, and the most at peace. I think I’ve been chasing moments and feelings like that ever since, but without any clear direction. Africa was supposed to be another way for me to feel and experience all those things again, just on a greater and more impressive scale. But there was a problem with that…

* I am also a person who easily gets lost in fantasy and I tend to romanticize events and stories. Remember The Constant Gardener? Yeah well, I basically became Tessa and put myself in her shoes – all in my mind, mind you – for a duration of time that is shocking looking back. Due to the obsessive nature of my brain, it’s all too easy for me to get tangled up in the web of my own thoughts, and the over sensationalization of scenarios that I create in my mind. It’s simultaneously laughable and horrifying how effortlessly I get stuck playing through plots, cultivating visions and versions of things that have yet to transpire, and ignoring the reality going on around me. 

Because let’s be real, reality inevitably crashes the party, and when it does, it brings you back down to earth quickly. You know, that sharp slap in the face that leaves you stunned, wondering where it came from…? That is, unless you have a fresh fantasy to dive right into – thanks for having my back brain! The oh so “safe” and oh so reliable strategy of avoidance. That is, until those slap keeps coming with greater frequency and you can’t turn away any longer… 

* So let’s step into that reality right now and face the real darkness for a moment. All of the processing from above is great, but I haven’t given voice to the actual truths – the ugly ones – the ones that I’ve been actively avoiding since forever…

The truths were that I was in it for the wrong reasons. That I was in it for myself. That I was in it to prove to myself that I was this amazingly selfless person who was willing to help others. That I was in it to make myself look better to myself. That I was in it to make myself look better to those around me. That I was in it to alleviate the guilt that surrounds all the privilege I have in my life. That I was in it to prove a point. That I was in it to change the world. That I was in it to be a superhero…

*Once again – Insert image of superhero – hands on hips – chin raised – chest puffed out – cape snapping gloriously behind in an artificial wind*

Now okay… this is a slight hyperbole. I know I am a good person and that my heart had honorable intentions but it would be a lie to say that these thoughts never crossed my mind – and an ever bigger one to say that I didn’t relish in the fantasy of it all – longer than I would care to admit. 

But another truth is that I just didn’t know. I didn’t have the life experience, exposure, and knowledge to move forward strategically, in an informed way. I was ignorant. We all are at times in our lives. That’s life – learning the lessons, and Africa was a big one. The problem is when we ignore the lessons life is trying to teach us and continue to move forward blinded by our own egos. 

So in the spirit of extreme ownership I choose to say no to my ego. I choose to step out of my own fantasy, my own experience – and I choose to forgive myself for not knowing and for not paying attention. And instead of looking at Africa as the calamity I’ve thought of it as for so long, I choose to turn this around and look at it for the opportunity it was. Here are some of the lessons I learned:

1. Travelling to a foreign country is scary and at times dangerous, and I highly recommend everyone do it – within reason of course. Nothing has taught me more about the world and my place in it than leaving home behind for a bit. 
2. Paying more attention to your surroundings is critical, especially when out of your element. Paying more attention would have saved me a lot of time, pain, and unnecessary hassle in the end. 
3. We should all experience what it feels like to be a minority in a place where you can’t hide and you must confront the exposure head on. After I came home and processed some of what had happened, I realized that part of what made me so on edge when I was there was that for the first time in my life I was not around a majority of people who looked like me. You should know what that feels like so that you can truly empathize with those who live this reality day in and day out. 
4. The world’s humanitarian problems are vast and far more complex than many of us think. It’s not that one person can’t make a difference, it’s that there is no simple solution and to make change on a grand scale takes buckets of resources, profound knowledge of a single issue, and vasts amounts of time. 
5. Most people are actually good people trying to do their best. The clearest example of this was when I missed my connecting flight in Heathrow and had what came close to a nervous breakdown in the middle of the airport. A kind family took me under their wing and ensured I had a hotel room and a meal for the night. You see, the airline put us up in a hotel for free but you had to have a credit card for incidentals and as I mentioned before I had misplaced my wallet on a beach in Mombasa. That kindness is something I will remember for the rest of my life – wherever they are, thank you. 
6. If you ever get a chance to ride a camel on a beach with the Indian Ocean lapping at the shore, do it. 
7. Continue to put yourself in situations that force you out of your comfort zone. Every hard thing that I’ve had to endure in my life is what’s ultimately taught me the most valuable lessons. We learn through adversity and instead of waiting for the bad to happen, which inevitably does, we can help this process along, putting ourselves out there and becoming more resilient when control is ultimately removed from the equation. 
8. This quote from The Talmud: “Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly now, love mercy now, walk humbly now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.”
9. Your tribe is your saving grace. They will hold you, and carry you, and forgive you when you are unable to do these things for yourself. 
10. Tolstoy had it right. You need to think about changing yourself before you think about changing the world. 

From these lessons I have created a life that I am proud of – a life of service to others. One that is educated, informed – one that I am suited for to a tee, though one no less difficult. I forgave myself. I listened and from that have found my calling. 

To this day:

I continue to forgive 

I continue listen.

I continue to learn.

I continue to change myself, so that I may honor and serve myself, this world, and all the beings in it. 

Stay savage friends and Get. It. Done.

If you’re interested in any of this, in my journey, my story, check back weekly. Much more meandering musings and kuhlhuman thoughts to come. 

Also! If you have questions about what I write or even suggestions for future blog posts, feel free to leave a comment below or email me at thekuhlhuman@gmail.com.