As I’ve clearly established, I am in the midst of a change – a shift – a leap forward. True personal growth is happening after years of remaining firmly rooted. Rooted in space. Rooted in time. Rooted in myself. But one thing that I’ve been working on moving past for many years is being rooted to those who are similar to me.
For most of my life, if you’d asked, I would have claimed, and claimed loudly, that I was the most open-minded person on the planet. That I don’t, and would never, judge others for the people they were, the decisions they made, or the way they lived their lives – obviously murderers, rapists, and pedophiles excluded. But you know, normal, everyday people just living their lives…? No problem. We cool.
Well…? We were not cool. Or more to the point I was not cool. Not cool at all.
A little back story:
Growing up was pretty easy considering who I was surrounded by. Most people looked like me and came from the same socio-economic background that I did. To be frank, there wasn’t a whole lot of diversity and I grew up privileged overall. Not only did my parents provide abundance and affluence, but I am also a white human being, and as we all know that carries inherent advantages and entitlements, both spoken and not – If that makes you uncomfortable I implore you to read on. This was the lense through which I viewed the world, which makes sense because it’s what I was exposed to.
And no shade on my upbringing. I am so lucky to have grown up like I did – I won the freaking lottery. And I’m not trying to get into a debate about privilege or race in this post. I am simply facing the reality of my circumstances so that I can better understand and explain where I am coming from. Something we all should do.
So back to not being cool. Both of my parents are caring and loving people who taught me that kindness matters. They help out people in need, volunteer their time, and would definitely give the shirts off their backs if it came down to that. But let’s get real honest for a second, you can’t navigate this tricky thing called life without picking up certain prejudices and biases along the way. And the thing is, it’s crazy easy to unknowingly impart those predilections and ideas onto others – so of course it’s natural that what we are exposed by our parents as children helps shape who we become. Hello…
The problem is when we allow those prejudices to become truths in our lives. Truths that we never seek to move beyond – unconsciously or not. So again, while I would have claimed that I was open-minded and accepting, I had only experienced that conviction in the context of relative comfortability. And it’s easy to be open-minded when everyone you surround yourself with is just like you. As I got older and started branching out, things got tricky. Going to college at SFSU and actually living in The City (San Francisco for those that don’t know) instead of just visiting it for short periods of time, exposed me to more diversity than I had been accustomed to and with that came feelings of awkwardness and uncomfortableness. It exposed many green nerves that had yet to be battle tested and forced me to face a troublesome truth about myself… Being around people who were different than me, like truly different, who had led lives that I could not even conceive of, who had opinions that varied from mine at basic fundamental levels was something that I didn’t like.
It makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint that we tend to lean in and glom onto those who are most like us, but philosophically and socially it turns us away from our humanness – our ability to not only connect with, but also learn from others – to bear witness to another way of moving through life – to observe another path. And this becomes especially easy when we are not engaging in active, focused practices to combat it, and instead are just going through the motions of life, staying in our “safe” bubble, and futility attempting to avert something bad from happening (see previous blog post(s)). And when we do this, when we allow ourselves to live in this manner, we do a disservice to ourselves and to the world that we are all a part of.
A short story:
When I was in college at SFSU I wanted to be more involved in the community at large and decided to apply for a volunteership opportunity in the heart of the Tenderloin neighborhood. There was something akin to a YMCA/soup kitchen that was looking for volunteers. The application process was actually pretty grueling and required that we write an essay about why we wanted to volunteer at this specific location, as well as go through several rounds of group interviews. It was very professional, and it was clear that this operation was legit.
I arrived for my first round of group interviews and the mix of people was eclectic to say the least. There was maybe one other person “like” me, along with a mix of age groups, genders, ethnicities, and of course, life experiences. We were asked to go around and introduce ourselves and explain where our passion for volunteering came from. Listening to the stories that people brought to the table was eye opening for me. Many had lives impacted by addiction and abuse. A few had been outcasts in society at one point or another. Most however, told of experiences so raw and real it was shocking. And the connecting thread was that they all wanted to give back.
Sitting there, at the table, listening to all of their stories, I became more and more uncomfortable – more and more agitated, anxious, and self-conscious. There was no danger on the outside, but internally I was at war.
During a break in the interview I made the decision to leave. I told the coordinator that I didn’t feel well and that I had to go. She expressed that I would have to start this process over again if I did not follow through today. I said that was fine and got out of there as quickly as I could.
I never went back.
You see, the people in that room exposed me. They uncovered my fears about myself and my fears about the world. They laid bare my weakness. They made me feel vulnerable. They made me face dark truths – truths around judgement, superiority, and prejudice. It’s one of the most shameful moments of my life. And looking back I realize what I missed out on. I missed out on an opportunity to get to know and understand human beings who were vastly different from me. And because of that I lost out on an opportunity to view the world with a different pair of eyes. I missed out on gaining perspective. I missed out on becoming a better version of myself.
Think about it. How many times have we done what I’ve just described on a smaller scale, or even a bigger one? How many times do we do this in the course of a single day – avoiding situations and interactions with others simply because they make us uncomfortable – because they expose the things we don’t like about ourselves?
When we allow this to happen it becomes a dangerous norm in our lives, and not only do we shut ourselves off to the potential for growth, but we become even more closed off to others than we already are. This world is more divided than ever. And through actions like these we manifest an “us versus them” mentality that leaves no room for compassion and empathy. And a world without that; a world without shared humanity!?… That is not a world I want to be responsible for creating.
And that’s the potential that arises when we interact with people who are different than us. When we truly see them and genuinely open ourselves up to them, we learn from them. If that happens, we can then take what we learn and turn that into knowledge and understanding and compassion. It becomes the impetus for growth and transforming into better people. And that is something that our world desperately needs more of.
To be clear, this is not about befriending or even liking everyone – that is an impossible quest. But it is about looking at others with tenderness and recognizing our shared humanity, in the hope that we may grow internally and thus externally.
So a long time ago, though not long enough, I made a choice that from here on out I was going to shy away no longer. Instead, when I encounter someone who is different from me, someone who makes me uncomfortable, I lean in and get closer. I listen. I learn.
It’s not always easy, but it is always worth it.
Stay savage friends and Get. It. Done.
If you’re interested in any of this, in my journey, my story, check back weekly. Much more meandering musings and kuhlhuman thoughts to come.
Also! If you have questions about what I write or even suggestions for future blog posts, feel free to leave a comment below or email me at thekuhlhuman@gmail.com.