Beat down by imposter syndrome and perfectionism I haven’t posted anything on my blog in close to a year. As part of intentional healing I am making a promise to myself to get back into the flow of writing and posting it regardless of whether it is “polished” or not – whether it is what I would consider reader ready – whether it is “perfect.”
Why post it at all…? Apparently, especially right now now, I need the accountability. As always, it is truly for me – but the act of posting it on a public forum forces me to lean into vulnerability in a way that I don’t have to when I know it will just live on my computer.
So here we are – an “unpolished” piece. One I had no idea I would write or let alone post until this very moment.
This is the start of something new – something brave.
Something my own.
_____
I am healing because I want freedom.
I am healing because my daughter deserves it.
I am healing because my partner deserves it.
I am healing because humanity deserves it.
I am healing because the earth deserves it.
I am healing because I want to be an example for those I love.
I am healing because I deserve to feel at peace.
I am healing because I am committed to breaking unhealthy cycles.
I am healing because I believe in my inherent divinity and goodness.
I am healing because I am ready.
I am healing because the alternative is something I refuse to bear any longer. After spending what feels like the totality of my life refusing my own nourishment, refusing to unlearn the lessons this world has seemed intent to ram down my throat, I am now saying
NO.
I am done perpetuating the vicious cycles that do nothing but hold me back. I am done choosing everyone else first. I am done living in the muck because it is familiar and it is what I know.
Yes.
I have lived, and at times even thrived, in this muck, but I am done believing that this is as good as it gets – nay, that this is all that I deserve. Done wondering about what could be. Done believing everyone and everything that ever told me I wasn’t worthy. Done with my own shit. My own desires to stay unaware of the truth. Done moving through the world and not examining my place in it and impact on it. Done with excuses. Done trying to live up to everyone’s expectations but my own.
And the beautiful truth is, I have already begun. For the past five years I’ve been working with intention to heal and strengthen the partnerships with my love and with myself. And with that intention has come the realization that literally anything is possible. I know the power of the work because I have seen and touched the light of what is possible.
Healing is always a step away – just around the corner, waiting for us to be brave enough to see it – to choose it. Waiting for us to finally choose ourselves. And once we do, we realize that the work of healing is never over – it is never done. Healing is a path we decide to walk in life, recognizing and relishing that it will see us through to our death, as long as we continue to choose it, as long as we continue to make our way back to it when we inevitably stray to easier and less painful routes.
We are never done healing, and we should bever want to be.
This is the work of a life.
In Still Possible, poet David Whyte gives me hope (always) with this piece I have come back to again and again recently:
The Edge You Carry With You
What is this
beguiling reluctance
to be happy?
This quickness
in turning away
the moment
you might
arrive?
The felt sense,
that a moment’s
unguarded joy
might after all,
just kill you?
You know
so very well
the edge
of darkness
you have
always
carried with you.
You know
so very well,
your childhood legacy:
that particular,
inherited
sense of hurt,
given to you
so freely
by the world
you entered.
And you know
too well
by now
the body’s
hesitation
at the invitation
to undo
everything
others seemed
to want to
make you learn.
But your edge
of darkness
has always
made
its own definition
secretly
as an edge of light
and the door
you closed
might,
by its very nature
be
one just waiting
to be leant against
and opened.
And happiness
might just
be a single step away,
on the other side
of that next
unhelpful
and undeserving
thought.
Your way home,
understood now,
not as an achievement,
but as a giving up,
a blessed undoing,
an arrival
in the body
and a full rest
in the give
and take
of the breath.
This living
breathing body
always waiting
to greet you
at the door,
always
no matter
the long years
you’ve been
away,
still
wanting you
to come home.
“And happiness might just be a single step away, on the other side of that next unhelpful and undeserving thought.”
Yesss.
But I might, for these purposes, change the word happiness to healing. Healing is indeed a single step away.
I have taken the first step, and will take another, another, and another…
forever.
Will you join me?
*Update: It should be noted that this post was initially inspired by the book How We Heal by Alexandra Elle – purchased after hearing her speak on Glennon Doyle’s We Can DO Hard Things Podcast.